


When the tide swept you away, I walked into the sea

by xansayshi



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Captain America: The First Avenger, M/M, Minor Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Unhappy Ending, Was gonna be a happy ending but then canon got in the way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 23:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11195802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xansayshi/pseuds/xansayshi
Summary: “I had a date.”When the news broke of the return of Captain America, #IHadADate was trending on almost every social media outlet nationwide within 12 hours, worldwide within 24. There were memes and shirts and tweets and news reports. A nation that had grown up on the most beautiful love story of the 20th century collectively swooned.Everyone knew Captain America’s first words after coming out of the ice. But no one knew Steve Rogers' last thoughts before going in.I’m so sorry, Peggy.Bucky.I’ll be there soon.





	When the tide swept you away, I walked into the sea

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic based off of a conversation with a friend while watching CA:TFA. It basically went like this:
> 
> "Steve you ass you knew you weren't gonna make that date"  
> "WAIT. What if Steve meant he had a date with Bucky. Reunited in death. Thats why he's so sad."  
> "OH MY GOD" 
> 
> So, I took that and ran with it. 
> 
> Enjoy.

> “I had a date.” 
> 
> Everyone knew Captain America’s first words when he awoke in the 21st century. Those four words had sparked a media circus almost bigger than the news of his return. The brief and tragic romance between Strategic Scientific Reserve Agent Margaret Carter and Captain America had become timeless; America’s own star-crossed lovers. 
> 
> Their love story had been examined from every angle and was quite often exaggerated. Once it became public knowledge that Captain America had a girl, soldiers came crawling out of the woodwork claiming that they had seen the good Captain sneaking off with a certain female agent to do this, or that they had seen Cap and a girl who was decidedly _not_ a certain female agent running off to do that. Historians have since debunked most of the egregious claims made about Captain America and although there is a general consensus that the relationship between Agent Carter and Captain Rogers was fairly tame, the more embellished versions continue to persist; most notably in the film adaptations. 
> 
> Agent Carter herself had been tight lipped about the whole affair, giving the standard story of a scrawny Steve Rogers and Dr. Erskine’s serum during interviews but refusing to divulge any personal details or insight into her relationship with Rogers, post-serum. 
> 
> Despite her silence, Peggy Carter and her devastating tragedy became a symbol of strength for women after the war. Women who lost fathers, brothers, sons, and husbands were inspired by her no nonsense, back to business approach. If she could move on after losing _Captain America_ , then they could too. 

__

“I had a date.”

When the news broke of the return of Captain America, #IHadADate was trending on almost every social media outlet nationwide within 12 hours, worldwide within 24. There were memes and shirts and tweets and news reports. A nation that had grown up on the most beautiful love story of the 20th century collectively swooned.

Everyone knew Captain America’s first words after coming out of the ice. But no one knew Steve Rogers' last thoughts before going in.

_I’m so sorry, Peggy._

__

_Bucky._

__

_I’ll be there soon._  
—

When Steve opened his eyes, after nearly 70 years, he knew something was wrong. It wasn’t because of the tinny sounds of a pre-recorded baseball game coming from the radio on the side table, or because the scenery outside was in black and white, or because the woman who came in to lie to him about where he was had on a man’s tie and the wrong kind of bra; although his mind managed to catalogue all of those things without a conscious thought. No, Steve Rogers knew something was wrong when he woke up in New York purely from the fact that he had woken up at all.  
__

Steve Rogers was 7 years old and picking gravel out of his skinned knee when _someone_ stood directly in front of him, blocking out the sun. He clenched his fists, took a deep breath, and said “What do you want now, Collins?” When the responding laugh was definitely not from Collins, he looked up and saw a dark haired boy staring down at him. Steve glared at him for a minute and then ultimately, deciding that he was not a threat, mumbled, “What do you want?” 

“I saw what happened.” 

Steve groaned. Tommy Collins had been throwing rocks at a stray dog in an alley and laughing as it tried to limp away until Steve had decided to do something about it. Collins had barked a laugh when he saw little Steve marching up to him, determined to stop him. 

“What are you gonna do about it, Rogers? Hit me?” Collins laughed again. “I’d like to see you try. C’mon, I won’t even fight back.” Spreading his arm wide, Collins waited for Steve to make a move. Steve knew that Collins was making fun of him but he couldn’t refuse the challenge without looking worse than before so he drew back and right as he move to hit Collins, the bully took a step back. Without a face to break the momentum of his punch, Steve went flying forward onto the ground at Collins feet. 

Steve gasped as his face collided with the concrete, pain bursting from his cheek, elbow and knee. Steve struggled back to his feet, only to see Collins rounding the corner, a self satisfied grin plastered to his face. Steve thought about chasing after him, determined to get at least a hit in, but then he took a step forward and the rocks embedded in his knee sent a wave of pain down his leg. He’d sat down with a sigh to examine his wounds, only to be mocked. 

Steve staunchly ignored the other boy looking down at him. It was bad enough that Collins didn’t even have to touch him to beat him but Steve refused to let this other boy humiliate him. He heard the other boy sit down on the curb next to him and Steve tensed, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for this boy to make fun of him or whatever and just _leave him alone._

“Why’d you do it?” The other boy asks. It’s so far from what Steve had expected him to say that he looks at him in confusion, only to see the other boy looking at him the same way. 

“What do you mea-“ Steve starts, but is interrupted by the other boy. 

“You had to know there was no way you were gonna win-” 

Steve scowls, but the boy continues, “-’cause no one fights Tommy Collins ‘cause no one wins. He’s stupid but he’s big and he fights dirty.” He accentuates his last point with a look at the blood congealing on Steve’s face and limbs. 

“So why’d you do it, if you knew that you were gonna lose?” 

For a moment, Steve says nothing. It doesn’t escape him that this other boy didn’t say that he was going to lose because he’s scrawny and looks like a strong breeze will blow him away, even though he knows that that’s the real reason he would have lost, if Collins had even deemed him worthy of an actual fight. This other boy confuses him, looking at him with genuine curiosity, asking him questions instead of pointing and laughing. 

“I did it because Collins was wrong. That dog was minding its own business and wasn’t bothering anyone and Collins should have left it alone but he didn’t and it wasn’t right.” He says with a shrug. He glances over at the other boy and watches him break out into a grin. Steve notices that he’s already missing teeth. The other boy gets up and offers a hand to Steve to help him up. 

“My names Bucky. Bucky Barnes. I live real close by and I betcha my mom can help clean you up so you don’t gotta go home dirty and bloody.” 

Steve is intrigued by Bucky, this boy who doesn’t make fun of him but talks to him like he’s normal and offers to help him instead of kicking him while he’s down. He thinks that maybe they could be friends. 

“Bucky? What kinda name is Bucky?” Steve grabs Bucky’s hand and tries to keep a straight face while he says it, but Bucky’s still grinning and then so is Steve and Bucky just laughs and says, “My real name’s James, but that's boring. I like Bucky better.” 

“Nice to meet ya, Bucky. I’m Steve Rogers.”  
___

Steve remembers how they met, but he can’t really remember what his life was like before he and Bucky became friends. They didn’t ease into friendship like some people do. Suddenly, Bucky was everywhere. Pulling him out of fights instead of watching from the sidelines, tending to his own scrapes and bruises now, in addition to Steve’s. Both of their mothers would look disapprovingly when they came home all roughed up, giving them the standard, “I told you boys to stay out of trouble” speech, but Mrs. Barnes always had an extra place set at the table for Steve and when Mrs. Rogers heard two sets of footsteps clomping up the stairs, she would greet them with a warm “Hello, son; hello, Steve,” with a wink at Bucky and earning an exasperated “Mooooom!” from Steve and a poorly concealed giggle from Bucky. 

The first winter after they met, Steve got real sick. Fever, constant cough that shook Steve’s slight body and a rattling in his lungs that didn’t seem to ease up no matter how much he coughed. The doctors said it wasn’t quite pneumonia, but it was close. 

Steve was in bed for the third straight day, tired and weak from coughing, when there was a knock on the door. He heard rather than saw his mother cross their tiny living room to the front door. He heard quiet voices for a few minutes before his mother closed the door and came back with a fresh cup of tea. Handing Steve his cup, she settled into the chair next to the bed and began to stitch one of Steve’s ripped shirts. 

“Who was that?” Steve asks, taking a sip of tea. 

“Hm? Oh, that was Bucky.” Steve groaned and let his head fall back against the pillows. Mrs. Rogers looked up from her stitching. “Hey, now. Whats all the fuss for?” 

Looking at the ceiling, Steve groans again. “He’s not gonna wanna be my friend anymore once he realizes that I get sick all the time. No one wants a friend who can’t keep up.” 

“Oh, Steve. Stop being so dramatic. Bucky’s not going to stop being your friend just because you’re sick. I have a feeling you won’t get rid of him that easy.” Steve doesn’t respond, just sighs heavily and resumes looking at the cracks in the ceiling. Mrs. Rogers continues her shirt repairs, a small smile on her face. 

Steve must have drifted off, because when he wakes, the sun is lower in the sky and his mother is nowhere to be found. What he does find however, is Bucky sitting on the floor with his back against Steve’s bed reading, a stack of papers and comic books next to him. 

Groggily, Steve tries to sit up. Hearing the rustle of the bedsheets, Bucky looks over at him.

“Hiya, Steve!” He rises from the floor to plop down next to Steve on the bed. 

“What are you doing here, Bucky? I’m-” Steve was forced to stop talking as he tried to work through a coughing fit. With a slight frown, Bucky reached over to hand Steve the glass of water that had been sitting on the bedside table. “I’m sick,” Steve choked out as his cough began to subside. 

“I know you’re sick, dummy. You haven’t been to school in three days.” Bucky turns away from Steve to retrieve the pile of books and papers from off the floor. “I came around earlier to ask your ma how you were doing.” Now it was Steve’s turn to frown. He had been so worried about Bucky not wanting to be his friend that he forgot to ask him mom _why_ he had come around. 

“She said you were gonna be out of school for the rest of the week so I asked her if it was okay if I came over after school to keep you company and she said it was okay so long as I bring your homework too.” He gestures to the pile that he deposited on Steve’s lap and Steve can see that underneath all the comic books, there are indeed school papers. Bucky looks a little apologetic about having to bring _homework_ but he starts babbling excitedly over which comics are his favorite and which ones he doesn’t really like but they have nice pictures and Steve likes drawing pictures so maybe looking at those can help him draw better, right Stevie? 

And Bucky is smiling at Steve as he talks and Steve can’t help but smile back because now Bucky’s telling stories about his baby sister who is just learning how to talk and how she calls him ‘Buck’ and how he tried to teach her to say Steve but she keeps saying ‘Steeb’ instead and Steve’s laughing so hard that he starts coughing again, but he doesn’t care. Because Bucky doesn’t care that Steve is sick, doesn’t care that he has to go to school alone because he comes right to Steve’s after and Steve’s ma was right, Bucky won’t get rid of Steve because he gets sick. And for once, Steve is glad that his ma was right because he doesn’t want to get rid of Bucky. 

It was like their friendship had erupted, suddenly and forcefully, a fully formed entity that no one saw coming and that they were powerless to fight.  
__

> The friendship between Captain America and his second in command, Sergeant James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes was just slightly less beloved than the good Captain's romance with Ms. Carter, but no less tragic. There are only a few corroborated stories of the young Captain and his best friend simply due to the fact that there were few people still living left to convey them. The official story is that Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes had been friends since childhood. Various report claim that a young Rogers was often involved in a number of skirmishes, often with Barnes alongside, with neighborhood bullies. The reasons for these encounters ranged from being disruptive during the movies to mistreating a lady. It would seem that Rogers had always been fighting the injustices of the world, even before the world really needed him. 
> 
> Rogers had been raised by his mother Sarah Rogers, a nurse who died of tuberculosis when Rogers was 17. Shortly thereafter, Barnes moved into Rogers small apartment where the two of them lived together until the fall of 1942, when Barnes was drafted and shipped out to fight for his country. Discontent to just sit back and watch, Steve Rogers had tried and failed to enter the army 7 times, using false identities which was, and still is, illegal. Cursed with a frail composition and numerous maladies that had plagued him since birth, it had seemed that Rogers was never going to make it overseas to join his lifelong friend in battle. But then came Dr. Erskine's formula and the supersoldier serum that took sickly, skinny Steve Rogers and made him a near perfect biological specimen. 
> 
> Unfortunately for Rogers, Dr. Erskine was killed almost immediately after his transformation taking with him the full formula for the serum. The U.S. Army had been promised an endless supply of supersoldiers and the death of Erskine abruptly put an end to that promise. A whole army of enhanced soldiers would certainly be useful, but a lone soldier? Colonel Chester Phillips as well as the U.S. Army seemed to think that wasn’t enough.

  
__

“Again, Steve?? How long are you gonna keep this up? How many more fake names are you gonna use? Hmm? What if you get caught, you ever think about that?” 

“I’m not gonna get caught Buck-” 

“It’s illegal, Steve.” 

They’re back in their tiny apartment, after Bucky had found Steve in yet another Army Recruitment Center. He’d yanked him out before they could even stamp his false papers with a 4F, like they’d done the other three times Steve had tried. They’d walked home in silence and Steve would have given anything for it to stay silent, instead of hearing Bucky lecture him like he was a child. 

“You think I don’t know that? You think I like lying on the enlistment forms? Jesus, Buck, everytime I go in there I start sweating bullets. Dunno what makes me more scared, the thought of them finding out that I lied and hauling my ass to jail or them laughing at me and coming back with that _fucking stamp._ ” 

Steve’s angry now, leaning on the table, breathing hard through his nose, trying not to flare up his asthma. Bucky says nothing, and for that Steve is grateful. He hadn’t meant to say all of that. Not that Bucky will think less of him, but Steve admitting his fears feels like exposing a weakness and he’s already got enough of those. There is a long moment where neither of them speak, words and thoughts heavy around them. 

“I know they’ll never take me.” Steve’s voice is low, still leaning on the table but now with his head hanging. “You can’t be a soldier if you weigh less than the pack you're supposed to carry. But I can’t do nothing Bucky. I can’t just sit here while you go off to basic, and get your orders and go fight. _I can’t._ I can’t just sit here and be idle. It's not right. I have to do something, I have to _try._ ” 

He hears Bucky moving behind him, turns his head away so that he won’t see the moisture welling up in his eyes. He feels Bucky’s hand land on his shoulder, the warmth of it spreading through his thin shirt. 

“I know Stevie, I know.” Bucky’s voice is calm. He’s still angry but it’ll do no good now. “I just need you to be here when I get back okay?” 

Steve turns to look at Bucky, a little surprised at the sincerity he hears in his voice. Usually after a fight Bucky tries to lighten the mood with some stupid joke.

“Besides, you can’t expect me to go on all those double dates by myself, can you?” 

Aaaand, there it is. Rolling his eyes, he says, “Bucky Barnes, you would absolutely go on a date with two dames at once, don’t lie to me.” 

Bucky barks out a laugh, and just like that the mood has shifted, all the anger and emotion settled into something comfortable and familiar. 

Still laughing, Bucky says, “You got me there, punk.” 

“I know, ya jerk.”  
__

> Captain America became a household name after U.S. Senator Edward Brandt convinced a new and improved Steve Rogers to promote war bonds in a flashy nationwide tour, complete with chorus girls and a catchy musical number. Dejected after being denied a place in combat yet again, Rogers agreed to the tour, taking this opportunity to use his newfound physique to dazzle Americans from coast to coast. The show was such a success that it was approved for a trip overseas to boost moral for the troops.
> 
> The tour across Europe came to an abrupt halt in Italy when Steve Rogers, after learning that his closest companion Sergeant James Barnes had been captured by enemy forces, mounted an unprecedented and unauthorized one man rescue mission, with the assistance of Mr. Howard Stark and Agent Carter. 
> 
> In the end Steve Rogers not only managed to rescue his best friend, but also an additional hundred soldiers, proving to Colonel Phillips that in this case, one supersoldier was more than enough.

  
__

The days following the soldiers return from the Hydra Base were a whirlwind. Hundreds of soldiers flooded the grounds. They had even commandeered a goddamn tank. Everyone was buzzing, the medical tent was overrun, reports were being written. Steve kept busy, first confronting an irate Phillips and convincing him that the unauthorized mission was purely his idea leaving Peggy and Howard in the clear, writing an extremely detailed mission report, and reporting every bit of HYDRA intel that he could. Lucky for them, HYDRA felt secure enough in their own facilities to have plastered a giant map detailing the locations of 6 other bases on the wall of the room where Steve had found Bucky. Stepping out of the yet another strategy meeting, Steve scanned the grounds looking for Bucky. He frowned a bit when he couldn’t find him; the higher ups had mentioned forming a special ops team to take down HYDRA specifically and Steve wanted to discuss it with Bucky. 

His frown deepened when Agent Carter came up behind him and said “He’s in the medical tent again.” 

“Again?” It was the third time since they’d returned. They hadn’t had much of a chance to talk about what happened when Bucky got captured. Steve had wanted to be present when Bucky gave his statement about being captured but he’d been too busy spilling all the HYDRA intel. He’d read the report afterwards, of course. But they hadn’t actually talked about it. Bucky didn’t offer any information and Steve didn’t push. But whatever they did to him was concerning enough to warrant multiple trips to medical. Steve didn’t like it. 

She gently touched his arm. “He’ll be fine, Captain. You brought him back in one piece.” 

Steve gave her a tight smile, thinking about this new Bucky he’d found. A quieter, more subdued version of his best friend. He was in one piece, but it didn’t mean he hadn’t been broken. 

“So, how’d he take it?” It took Steve a moment to realize that the question was directed at him. He looked at Agent Cart - No. _Peggy._ She was Peggy now, formalities dropped, arms now crossed against her chest, a small smirk on her face.

“Barnes. I take it it was quite a shock to see you so...grown up.” She was teasing, but Steve didn’t mind. He smiled, a real one this time, all tension from the meeting gone, his worry over Bucky temporarily forgotten. 

“When I found him, I was so relieved. I got him off that table and said ‘I thought you were dead.’ He looked at me and said ‘I thought you were smaller.’” 

Peggy huffs a small laugh. It doesn’t escape Steve as he continues, “All things considered I think he reacted better than you did.”

Laughing openly now, Peggy responds incredulously, “Excuse me?! He was delirious when you found him!” 

“Yeah, well. At least he didn’t try to get to second base with me.” Steve winks and he thinks that if Peggy Carter were an ordinary woman instead of a force of nature, she would be blushing right now. As it is, she merely rolls her eyes at him, smiling. She says, “Walk me to my tent?” It's phrased as a question, but spoken as a command. They walk in companionable silence. Until… 

“How long have you two been friends?”

“Hmm? Oh, me and Bucky? God, I dunno, since forever. There’s no part of my childhood worth remembering that doesn’t include Bucky.” 

Peggy hums. They keep walking, nodding here and there to a passing soldier. They’re nearly at Peggy’s tent before she speaks again. 

“And how long have you been in love with him?” 

Steve stops walking, certain that he’s misheard. “I’m sorry, what? I don’t -- We’re not --” He takes a breath to steady himself, although he's not really certain why he’s suddenly having a hard time breathing. He tries again.

“It’s not like that.” 

Peggy quirks an eyebrow at him. “No?” He shakes his head at her, brow furrowed. 

“Steve, people don’t storm a highly guarded military base 30 miles behind enemy lines for just a friend.” 

Steve shakes his head again, “Peggy, you’ve got it wrong, really. It’s just…” He trails off struggling to find the words to describe exactly what Bucky is to him. “He’s my only friend. He’s- he’s all I’ve got left.” And although it's true, the words seem inadequate as soon as they leave his mouth. 

“Don’t lie to me Steve. I see the way you look at him. You move differently when he’s around; you gravitate towards each other. You may not have realized it, but don’t insult my intelligence and tell me that the two of you are nothing more than friends. Because if that’s just friendship? Then I’ve never had a true friend in my life, of that I am sure.” 

With a small smile, a nod and a “Captain Rogers,” she turns and walks away, leaving Steve dumbfounded and more than a little confused.  
__

> After his incredible success defeating HYDRA and rescuing hundreds of soldiers, Captain Steve Rogers became a permanent fixture in the war. He formed and lead a group of elite soldiers on highly dangerous missions raiding and destroying the remaining HYDRA bases in Western Europe. This exclusive team, the Howling Commandos, consisted of survivors of Roger’s first extraordinary HYDRA raid, including his closest companion, Sergeant Barnes. Picking up where they left off, Rogers and Barnes were once again inseparable, with the rest of the Commandos not far behind. The Howling Commandos destroyed HYDRA base after HYDRA base and quickly became a force to be reckoned with. However, the success of the team offered only short lived relief for Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers. The pair had only been reunited for a few months between Barnes’ rescue from their first HYDRA Base and the HYDRA Base that would ultimately be the cause of his demise.

  
__

“Knock, knock?” 

Bucky turns his head to see Steve standing in the entrance to his tent and quirks an eyebrow at him.

“Really, Rogers? You tryin’ to be funny? You do know you can’t actually knock on a tent flap. I guess even that magic serum they gave you wasn’t enough to _knock_ a sense of humor into you.” Bucky’s grinning at him from where he’s lying down. Steve just rolls his eyes at him, lips failing to hide a slight smile, and walks over to sit on the edge of the cot. It creaks under their combined weight, but it holds. 

Bucky waits for him to say something, but Steve seems to be occupied with observing his own hands. The silence they share is heavy, too much between them has changed to resemble the easy, companionable silences they used to share. They sit, hyper aware of the other's movements and of their own thoughts. Just when it almost becomes unbearable, Steve breaks the silence. 

“You know you’re my best friend, right?”

Before the war, Bucky’s first instinct would have been to make a joke, made fun of Steve for asking such a dumb question. Would have said _oh? Good, was getting worried you’d been stepping out on me,_ with a grin and a wink in Steve’s direction. He used to joke all the time, easy as breathing, but now after...everything, it's gotten much harder. He still jokes with Steve, both of them clinging to that shred of normalcy, but it's more forced than it used to be. 

But something in Steve’s voice, the way that he hasn’t looked at Bucky since he sat on the cot, makes Bucky refrain from joking. He’s about to respond, but Steve speaks again. 

“When they gave me the serum, they said-” He stops suddenly, shakes his head, takes a deep breath. 

“Steve, what’s going on? What’s this about?” Bucky’s hoisted himself into a sitting position. He wants to swing his legs over the edge of the cot to sit shoulder to shoulder, but Steve is in the way and there’s not enough room to maneuver the other way round without it becoming an issue. He sees Steve take another breath, like he does when he’s about to jump into a fight but he seems to think better of it and lets it out in a resigned sigh. 

“Peggy said something to me the other day and I can’t seem to shake it.” 

“Oh yeah, what’d Agent Carter say? Hmm?” It’s meant to be a joke, but comes out an accusation. Bucky winces. He knows that he should be happy that Steve found someone who finally sees him for what he’s worth, but it burns Bucky up inside. Usually, he hides it better. 

Steve turns and looks right at Bucky. 

“She says I’m in love with you.” 

Bucky takes a moment to just look at Steve before answering. He can tell he's making Steve uncomfortable, unsure. He looks like he wants to fidget, do something to relieve his nerves but he has too much pride in his composure to let himself do so. If Steve is willing to go down this road here, _now,_ then Bucky may as well just go all in. Holding himself back is exhausting. 

“Are you?” 

Steve breaks his gaze, looking into his lap and letting out a shaky breath. 

“Buck, you gotta understand, I tried not to. I- I thought that when they gave me the serum these feelings would go away but they didn’t. And I tried so hard, you know, with Peggy. I like her, I do, a lot, but she’s just not-” 

Bucky gets Steve to stop talking by reaching and putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey, pal.” His voice is gentle and soft in a way he hasn’t been since Azzano, since Basic, since before he got his draft papers and knew that he was going to have to leave Steve behind. His hand shifts from Steve’s shoulder to cup his cheek. Steve looks back up at Bucky, unconsciously leaning into the touch. 

“Steve, it's okay. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t expecting this. Don’t know what I was expecting. But I’m not upset, I promise.” There's a ghost of a smile on his face. “I’m pretty far from upset if I’m being honest.” He sees the understanding dawning on Steve’s face and his hand covers Bucky’s still on his face. 

Steve breathes his name and Bucky feels that ball of anger-jealousy-rage, that he’s been keeping in his chest start to unravel. 

“I think it’s safe to say that the feeling is mutual, punk.” 

He takes Steve’s face in both of his hands and leans forward to press a soft kiss to Steve’s lips. He can feel Steve’s pulse racing beneath his fingertips and the kiss is far too short, nowhere near enough. He pulls back just enough to rest their foreheads together. Steve still has his eyes closed and is clutching at Bucky’s sleeves. 

He wants nothing more than to stay here with Steve and curl up in bed like they used to back in New York. Back when he (and Steve?) told himself it was just for warmth, while secretly wishing for more; but some stupid, practical part of Bucky’s brain keeps reminding him that they are still fighting a war. They have a mission tomorrow and no matter how much he wants to believe otherwise, they are not safe here. 

“Stevie,” Bucky whispers his name, an attempt to keep this moment between them for as long as possible. Steve’s answering hum of contentment is almost enough for Bucky to just forego what he was going to say next in favor of just staying here, with Steve, for the foreseeable future. But he knows that he can’t and that's precisely the point. 

“I love you.” Bucky says, feeling lighter having said it out loud, finally. “I have loved you for years and I think you’ve loved me for just as long and the very fact that we have made it to this point is nothing short of a miracle. But I think we both know that we can’t do this now.” 

He feels Steve deflate a bit and when Steve finally open his eyes, Bucky can see the conflicting emotions on his face. Watches the aching desire to stay right where he is grappling with the responsibilities waiting for him, for the both of them, just outside their tent. Steve breathes deep and nuzzles his face against Bucky’s before pulling away. 

Steve sighs again, running his hands through his hair. “I know. You’re right. I should be focusing on this mission tomorrow. I should be prepping, making sure all the supplies are good. I shouldn’t have done this now, what was I thinking?” 

Bucky can hear the panic rising in Steve’s voice and before he can work himself into a frenzy Bucky grabs his hands to still them from where they were clutched, pulling hard at Steve’s hair. 

“Hey, hey, hey. Steve, calm down. Listen to me.” Bucky waits until Steve looks at him, blue eyes shining and expectant. “I know you. And you wouldn’t have come in here if everything wasn’t as ready as it could be for tomorrow. So, here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna do this fucking mission. We are gonna board that train and take down the _fucking_ Nazi scum -,” Bucky has to stop and take a deep breath to try and tamp down the sudden swell of rage he feels. He takes another breath to keep his voice from shaking and he thinks that if his hands weren’t still holding on to Steve’s, they’d be shaking too. 

“We’re gonna finish this mission and then when we’re done? We’re gonna take leave and you’re gonna use your fancy Captain’s perks to get us a nice swanky place to stay away from all of these idiots that we call teammates.” Steve snorts and rolls his eyes but can’t hide the grin threatening to shine through. Bucky grins back, some of that easygoing charm coming back as he says, “We’ll even get some food and drinks, make it a real date. And then we can finally figure out what to do about us.” 

Steve leans forwards, stealing another kiss before he murmurs against Bucky’s lips, “Whatever you say, Sergeant.” Bucky is unable to stop the laughter that bursts out of him, his first genuine laugh since Brooklyn.  
__

> Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes solidified his place in history as a national hero when he became the only Howling Commando to sacrifice his life for his country. During a mission in which Captain America and his elite team were tracking HYDRA scientist Arnim Zola, Barnes was lost in the Alps when an enemy soldier caused an explosion inside a freight train. The blast nearly ripped the train car in two, had Captain Rogers hanging on for dear life, and sent Barnes flying from the train into a deep ravine below. Rogers and the other Commandos had soldiered on seizing the train and capturing Zola, a huge win for the SSR. While Rogers himself had been tight lipped the loss of Barnes, speaking only of the success of the mission when asked for comment, sources suggest that while Rogers appeared to be fine the loss of his best friend had affected the good Captain far more than he let on.

  
__

Steve was shouting. 

The mission was over. They’d taken the train. Steve had taken down Zola, while Bucky had- 

“No.”

“NO?” 

Steve was shouting and making a scene but he couldn’t give a good goddamn. Because while he’d been finishing the mission, Bucky had been lying somewhere at the bottom of a fucking ravine for hours now and he was being told that he couldn’t go back and look for him.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NO?” 

They’d come back from the mission and Steve had immediately begun gathering supplies for an emergency rescue mission only to be stopped by Colonel Phillips. 

“Calm down, Captain. I know Barnes meant a lot to you, as evidenced by the last time you thought he was dead and promptly took government resources without authorization to go save him.” Phillips gave Steve a look that would have shamed any other soldier, but just made Steve want to punch him. 

“The only reason,” Phillips continued, “that you weren’t immediately sent home after that little stunt was because it worked and saved the lives of dozens of men. But that was then and this is now. Then we knew exactly where the base was. Now, we have what? Miles of railroad track to follow with no way of knowing where Barnes fell?” 

“I know where. I’ll know it when I see it.” Steve says. 

“And presuming that you do know where he is, how do you suppose we find him? Who knows how far down that cliff goes and you want to send a team in there with almost no intel on the terrain or the conditions on the off chance that you might find the body?”

“I don’t need a full team, I’ll go myself, I just need the supplies to get me there,” Steve pleads. “The cold doesn’t affect me the same, I can stay out there longer. I’ll find a way into the ravine and radio coordinates when I find him. And he might still be alive. We know that Zola experimented on him and gave him imitation serums. If I can withstand the cold, maybe he can too. But I can’t save him if we just keep _wasting time arguing about it!”_ Steve’s breathing hard by the time he finishes, voice loud in the otherwise silent room. 

Phillips raises his brows at him. “We’re done here,” he says. “There is too much unknown risk to justify wasting the resources. That is final. And if I find out that you launched another one man rescue, you and your entire team will be dishonorably discharged and sent home.” He finishes speaking and Steve just stands there, eyes wide, poleaxed. Phillips makes his way out of the room, pausing with his hand on the door.

“Sergeant Barnes was one tough soldier. I really am sorry for your loss.” 

The door closes behind him with a soft click. Still in shock, Steve looks around the room. Gabe is looking at the floor, one hand rubbing the back of his neck. Dum-Dum is fiddling with his hat in his hands. Peggy is glaring at the door as if she can get through it to Phillips. No one is looking at him, no one will meet his eyes. _They all agree with Phillips,_ Steve thinks. _They all think he’s already gone._

Steve closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath, unclenches his fists and his jaw before turning and walking out the door. He slams the door so hard that it cracks, but no one will say anything about it.  
__

It’s Peggy who finds him. 

He had been sitting in this bombed out husk of a pub for the last two hours, desperately trying to get drunk. For the first time, Steve bitterly wished that the serum hadn’t worked as well as it did because not only did he lose the ability to feel any of the wonderful numbing effects of alcohol, but his new and perfect memory refused to let him forget the last time he’d been in this bar. Steve was staring at the broken barstools but all he was seeing was Bucky, still tense from Azzano but forcing out a smile, asking if he was going to keep the outfit. He sees himself asking Bucky, _who had just been a POW_ , to jump right back into the fight. And he had. He’d followed Steve just because he’d asked and now he’s gone and Steve can’t even go look for him. Steve feels the wet heat streaming down his face and if he had any shame at his tears it was overpowered by the absolute self loathing he was feeling. 

He doesn’t look as Peggy rights an overturned chair and takes a seat. He’s still glaring at the bar as she procures a glass from somewhere, takes the bottle out of his hand and pours herself a drink. He tries not to feel bitter about the fact that she probably knows that he can’t drink himself into oblivion. 

“Steve.” 

Her voice is too soft, too gentle. He doesn’t want to hear her consoling platitudes. He doesn’t want to talk. What he wants is to rage, to take the remains of this godforsaken pub and to pound it into dust. He wants to erase HYDRA from the face of the earth. To destroy every person who has ever _hailed anything_. He wants to scream and shout until his throat is raw and his voice is raspy. He wants to punch something until his knuckles bleed, until the blood on his hands matches the guilt on his conscious but he can’t. He can’t do anything but sit and relive the moment when he lost the only good thing he’d ever known. 

Steve wants Bucky, but he can never have him because he’s dead. And it's Steve’s fault. 

She reaches for him across the table. He still doesn’t look at her, but he retracts his hand. She huffs at him but before she can get the words out, Steve beats her to it. 

“I killed him.”

Peggy is having none of it. 

“Steve. That’s not true.” she says, voice hard. “You did everything you could, I’ve read the reports. There was nothing else that you could have done. It’s not your fault, Steve.” 

Shaking his head, Steve finally looks at her. She’s looking at him with a worried expression, but she raises her eyebrows and smiles a little when their eyes meet. 

“Oh, Peggy. Of course it’s my fault.”

She makes a sound of protest but he keeps speaking. “I’d have killed him even if he didn’t fall off that train. I killed him the moment I asked him to stay with me. He was captured and _tortured_ and I still asked him to stay. I was selfish and so fucking stupid to think that we were both gonna get out of this alive.” 

His voice gets thicker and shakier the more he talks and he closes his eyes in an attempt to stop the flow of tears but it doesn’t work, they just keep flowing; all the anger, sadness, fear, regret he feels just bubbling over. His new body can withstand so much, but this is too much to take and he can’t control it anymore. 

Sensing that nothing she could say would make any difference, Peggy just sits with him while he cries. She doesn’t offer any words of comfort, just stays with him. 

Sometime later, when even his enhanced body has run out of tears and Steve feels more empty than he ever thought possible for a person to feel he reaches for Peggy. She takes his hand, apology accepted. He pulls a little and still holding his hand, she rises from her chair to stand in front of him. Steve leans into her resting his head on her stomach, finally seeking comfort. His arms wrap around her, hugs her close. One of her hands circles his back, the other patting his head, smoothing his hair. He thinks about the warmth of her hands in his hair and tries not to think about Bucky’s hands, still and frozen somewhere in the snow. 

“I told him I loved him,” he says in a voice so small and worn down that it's a wonder that Peggy even hears it. She hums softly, encouraging him to continue. 

“I told him I loved him and he said he loved me.” He pulls Peggy closer. “He loved me and I killed him.” He’s trembling as he says, “I don’t know how to do this without him.” 

Peggy says nothing, just keeps holding him and stroking his hair. There will be time for more words, a real conversation later. For now she just holds him and lets him grieve.  
__

> Following their tragic mission in the Alps, Captain America and his Howling Commandos doubled down in their fight with HYDRA. Driven by the loss of Sergeant Barnes, the elite squad made quick work of taking down enemy forces.
> 
> It appeared that although Captain America was fighting off his grief, he was not not at a loss for a comforting shoulder to cry on. Late night “strategy” meetings and frequent public outings with Agent Carter seemed to characterize this post-Barnes era of Rogers life. Rogers had alway been taken with Agent Carter, but it wasn’t until after Barnes’ death that their relationship became serious. Their blossoming romance just made it all the more tragic when Captain Rogers makes the valiant decision to save millions when he pilots the Valkyrie, a HYDRA plane full of explosives, into the Arctic. 
> 
> This brave sacrifice came after the climactic battle with the head of HYDRA’s weapons division, Johann Schmidt, also known throughout the HYDRA ranks as the “Red Skull” due to his horrific deformities after injecting himself with an unrefined replica of Dr. Erskine’s serum. Schmidt had planned to bomb most of the major cities in Allied territories but thanks to Captain Rogers, the Nazi’s plan was foiled and served as a crushing blow to the Germans.

  
__

_“I gotta put her in the water.”_

Eyes closed, Steve tries not to listen to Peggy’s voice crackling through the radio. The only hard part about the decision to ground the plane was knowing how much it would hurt her. 

After Bucky died, Steve turned to Peggy for comfort. Steve would find himself knocking on her door long after business hours because he couldn’t sleep and being alone felt too dangerous. Sometimes, he’d just sit while she finished her paperwork. Other times, she would draw him close and he would lay his head on her shoulder and just let himself be held. They talked sometimes, about this and that. Just casual conversation. Most of the time.  
__

“When my ma died, I was a mess.”

Peggy had stopped reading, the instant she’d heard him speak. She was in bed, rereading her notes from that day and up until now, Steve had been sitting in the armchair by the window, silently staring into the night. Peggy put her notes down but didn’t speak, waiting for Steve to continue. 

“I was so angry. I was angry because she’d left me. Angry that even though she was a nurse, she still got sick.” Steve paused and took a shaky breath. “I was so angry because it was so unfair that she had been so strong and I was so weak. I thought that I should have been the one who died, not her.” 

He shook his head and continued, “Bucky was the one who had finally knocked some sense into my head. You know after the funeral, he’d wanted me to stay with him, to make sure I wasn’t alone or that I wouldn’t do something stupid. And I told him I didn’t need him.”

He finally tore his gaze away from the window to glance at Peggy. “I’m glad he didn’t listen to me,” Steve said. He looked at his lap for a long time before he spoke again. “I’ve just spent my whole life trying to do right by the people I love. I got into all those fights because it was the right thing to do and even though my ma was upset that I got hurt all the time, I know that she was glad I was doing the right thing. And then after she passed, I did whatever I could to make Bucky proud of me because he was all I had and a part of me still couldn’t believe that he’d stuck around after all those years. Sometimes it’s just hard for me to remember why I’m still here when they aren’t.” 

“Steve?” Peggy says gently. He looks up from his lap. “I’m sure you’ve made them both very proud.” The smile that Steve gives is small and sad. It's gone quickly, as if holding a smile is too exhausting for him to bear. “And Steve, for what it's worth? I’m proud, too. And I’m glad that you’re still here.” 

“Thanks, Peggy.” His voice is soft, tired and he heaves a sigh. “I’m glad you’re here, too.”  
__

Peggy knew that Steve needed a distraction, that he was still grieving. Some days Steve seemed to be doing better. He’d even make a few jokes here and there, but then Peggy would catch him stuck in a memory. His eyes would become unfocused and he’d stay where he was unmoving, and she had a sinking suspicion that if she weren’t there to snap him out of it, he might stay that way for hours. Once, she’d found him staring at a pencil in his hands. He’d barely moved when she gently took the pencil from him and set it on the table. He only blinked at her and nodded when she suggested they find some food. He worried her. If she could provide him with a safe space, if she could spare him any more pain, she would do so, for as long as it took. Until then end of the war, or HYDRA, whichever came first. 

They both knew that spending so much time together was fueling the rumors that they were an item, but neither could bring themselves to care too much. Steve endured the good natured teasing from the Howlies, and Peggy always kept her composure. He’d asked her once, if the rumors were upsetting or if they made life more difficult. She’d just said, “Steve, darling. I’m a woman in the military. I have a higher security clearance than most of the soldiers fighting in this war. Do you think I would have made it here if I let myself be concerned with what,” she smirked, “or whom, other people think I’m doing?” 

Steve had laughed softly. “Of course you would have, Pegs. You’re unstoppable.” 

And she was. Peggy was the strongest person Steve had ever met and he kept telling himself that she was going to be fine without him. He loved her, he really did, and if things had been different, if the circumstances were not as they were, maybe they could have been happy. Maybe his heart would stop clenching whenever he thought of Bucky and maybe it would start when he looked at Peggy. But there was no time now for maybes. Not when Steve was in a plane full of explosives hurtling through the sky en route to New York. 

So Steve says his goodbyes, makes promises he knows he can’t keep _(“and don’t be late”)_ and points the nose of the plane down.  
__

Steve woke up in the future, bigger, brighter and louder than he could have imagined. He woke up and was prodded by doctors and questioned by reporters and was touted as a miracle of science, or of God, depending on who you asked. When he woke up, it wasn’t the 1940’s. It was a whole new _goddamned millennium_. There were no Howlies, no Howard, no Peggy. There was definitely still no Bucky.

When Steve Rogers woke up in New York, he wasn’t dead. But sometimes he wished he was.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. This fic has literally been years in the making. I wrote half of it in a frenzy of inspiration and then it sat in my google docs for years being picked at until I finally had enough and forced myself to finish it. 
> 
> Big shout out to Tara for giving me the most tragic idea ever and to Jeanette for listening to me whine intermittently about how I should finish this fic for the last two years.
> 
> Comments would be much appreciated.


End file.
